1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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