I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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