Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
