We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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