The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
