Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
nutella sex= disaster
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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