I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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