my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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