This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
