Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
