If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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