Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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