I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just had sex bonerless
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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