haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
