boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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