i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
