So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
