Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i've created a new STD.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
