allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
