I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I am midnight drunk by noon
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
