I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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