Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
