i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
