Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh god it's open bar.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
