Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
