It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
