I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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