I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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