Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
