Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
