I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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