I think im going to throw up on grandma
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
