I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
