Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
