if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
