Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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