what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
