Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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