My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
