a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
