You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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