i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
