I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The air was thick with penises
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
