I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
