Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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