can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
