she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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