I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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