I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
