i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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